I fancy myself a weird blend of humility and arrogance. Arrogant enough to try some outlandish things and to think that I can have some measure of impact on this planet, but humble enough to understand that I may just be a total idiot.
The arrogant side of me believes, at age 41, that my intellect transcends industries. Law, Medicine, Elasticity and Parallel Universe Theory - I'm sure I can add something to all the fields of science and art.
My vocal stylings are suspect, but everything else, sure.
So today I unload on you a Billion Dollar Idea. This is a big deal as I only have 17 Billion Dollar Ideas - I have to be careful to save one or two for myself and my family. But, as I am an enlightened citizen of this earth, I feel I can give away one or two if they benefit mankind to the level I think they can.
Grab the collar, stretch it out, aim the nose down and sneeze with wreckless abandon.
This practice, called Snirting, or Shneezing, can reduce the environmental spread of your nasal projectiles by an estimated (trust my arrogance here) 85% by using the fabric of your shirt/blouse/sweater/jacket as a filter for all that viral matter.
Please understand that the Shneeze needs to take place on the interior of your shirt, and works best when you wear an undershirt like I do. V-Neck undershirts or "wifebeater" T-shirts won't work - crew neck shirts seem to have been designed just for this evolutionary, or dare I say, revolutionary concept.
I think it's even possible to create "Snarves" to be worn similar to scarves, but folded underneath your shirt.
As fashion seems to boomerang every 20 years, it may very well be possible that turtlenecks, embedded with anti-bacterial material, might become the fashion as well as health accessory of the next decade.
Okay, okay, you think that this is a joke. But the next time you're on a plane or in a restaurant and someone sneezes - ask yourself the question:
"Would I feel more comfortable if that person Snirted"?
As far as the unintended by-product of a damp chest from all your Shneezing, it's a small price to pay for reducing the spread of flu and cold by 85% - don't you think?
If anyone has a contact at the NIH, please let me know. I need to begin writing my grant proposal.
That's all I have to say about that.
2 comments:
I love it and wish more people would do the same.
What if I am in formal shirt and tie? Maybe the trusty hankerchief is called for.
Exuse me.... I snirted....
I always think of doing this right after I sneeze. I have yet to successfully snirt. Some day! I'll keep you posted.
My thousand dollar idea...
...is an office chair which masks the odor and sound of passing gas. How awesome would it be to rip one in the middle of a meeting without the embarrassment associated with cutting the cheese?
This is also useful when you are working late and you let one slip just prior to the boss stepping into your office. Some bosses do work past 5PM. News to me!
I have gone as far as stopping someone at the door and letting them know "I may have farted". I have found they appreciate the warning and I often get a chuckle out of them.
Perhaps I am just a disgusting human being who should be sent to a small island in the pacific devoid of human contact. More likely I am one of millions of men and perhaps women (waiting for market research) who would love to let one go without being labeled, "senior poops a lot".
It you think that was disturbing it’s a good thing you can't access the other crap taking up space in my oversized melon.
Bradway Out.
Used without permision from Ryan Secrest or Forrest Gump.
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