(Another) Billion Dollar Idea

I fancy myself a weird blend of humility and arrogance. Arrogant enough to try some outlandish things and to think that I can have some measure of impact on this planet, but humble enough to understand that I may just be a total idiot.

The arrogant side of me believes, at age 41, that my intellect transcends industries. Law, Medicine, Elasticity and Parallel Universe Theory - I'm sure I can add something to all the fields of science and art.

My vocal stylings are suspect, but everything else, sure.

So today I unload on you a Billion Dollar Idea. This is a big deal as I only have 17 Billion Dollar Ideas - I have to be careful to save one or two for myself and my family. But, as I am an enlightened citizen of this earth, I feel I can give away one or two if they benefit mankind to the level I think they can.

Billion Dollar Idea #9: (no patent pending)

- I believe that we should retrain all kids, as well as adults, that sneezing into your hands, or the more recent practice of sneezing into the opposite side of your elbow (I'm sure that spot has a name - comments welcome), should be replaced with sneezing deep into the interior side of your shirt.

Grab the collar, stretch it out, aim the nose down and sneeze with wreckless abandon.

This practice, called Snirting, or Shneezing, can reduce the environmental spread of your nasal projectiles by an estimated (trust my arrogance here) 85% by using the fabric of your shirt/blouse/sweater/jacket as a filter for all that viral matter.

Please understand that the Shneeze needs to take place on the interior of your shirt, and works best when you wear an undershirt like I do. V-Neck undershirts or "wifebeater" T-shirts won't work - crew neck shirts seem to have been designed just for this evolutionary, or dare I say, revolutionary concept.

I think it's even possible to create "Snarves" to be worn similar to scarves, but folded underneath your shirt.

As fashion seems to boomerang every 20 years, it may very well be possible that turtlenecks, embedded with anti-bacterial material, might become the fashion as well as health accessory of the next decade.

Okay, okay, you think that this is a joke. But the next time you're on a plane or in a restaurant and someone sneezes - ask yourself the question:

"Would I feel more comfortable if that person Snirted"?

As far as the unintended by-product of a damp chest from all your Shneezing, it's a small price to pay for reducing the spread of flu and cold by 85% - don't you think?

If anyone has a contact at the NIH, please let me know. I need to begin writing my grant proposal.

That's all I have to say about that.

When Dad Takes Over

A few times a year, Michele hits the road to a conference or to visit some of her liberal Berkeley friends on the West Coast. That leaves Dad, alone, to take over the "Mom" responsibilities. The kids know that this means a few things:

- Hot Dogs, Mac & Cheese and Tater Tots for Dinner. And Lunch.

- Leftover Mac & Cheese for breakfast.

- An extra hour or two a day playing Mario or Wii.

- A bath every 3 days - 4 days if we hit the "cuzzi"

- Several trips to Blockbuster.

The kids do look forward to it, but I think they also crave the limits that Mom is much better at enforcing.

Mom is also better at understanding upcoming events and the potential negative impacts our actions of today might have in the future.

Take the above photo. Michele knew when Picture Day was - I had no idea or even cared. Zoe knew, but has yet to fully grasp the concept of the legacy impact of your Kindergarten photo.

So, when I bought a few packs of Temporary Tattoos for Zoe and her friends, I had no idea it was a decision that could come back to haunt me for the next 30 years - longer if I make it to 80.

All I knew is that the girls disappeared for an hour and I had some alone time to do important things. Like catch up on Season 3 of the Sopranos. Or research Tight Ends for the upcoming Fall draft in my Fantasy Football league.

Important stuff.

Well, as I dropped off Zoe the morning her mother was set to return from a trip, I had no idea that I was positioning to become the most thoughtless father in the history of the Woodland School District.

I'm sure it was the highlight of the teachers, not to mention the photographers day.

So the photo above, is more a statement on my parenting skills than the memorable kindergarten photo it was intended to be. I can only hope that this doesn't foreshadow a future where Zoe believes that tattoos are part of her "look" and her ability to stand out in a crowd.

All I know is that her Grandmother thought the photo was great.

Not.

That's all I have to say about that.

Amazing Photo of The Day

As some of you may know - I'm kind of a news, discovery, info junkie. I plan to use this site to bring you stories, news, photos, etc that are important and not to be missed. Follow the link here for an interesting photo that is truly magical - the photo is taken two ways - one is taken with flash, the other without flash. The difference is amazing. Click here. Please let me know if you can see the difference.

Bathroom Etiquette

Just when I was getting over my bathroom phobias, this Senator Craig thing happens. Ignorance is bliss, or so I've been told an inordinate number of times, by too many people in my life

Well, as I passed 40 years of age, I was just getting comfortable with the Public Poop, and now I have a new stress as I hit public bathrooms - "will my actions be misconstrued as some unknown signaling that I'm looking for restroom romance?"

Look, I've mastered the common public bathroom etiquette - the "Courtesy Flush", the "2 Degrees of Stall Separation" and the "Urinal Tile Trance".

I know to "announce" my presence with a cough as someone enters a bathroom to avoid the chance they'll try to open my door. I've mastered the art of controlling bodily noises until I know I have an all-clear in the bathroom. I've also learned to combine the cough, the courtesy flush and newspaper shuffle to run interference for any unavoidable bodily noises tied to a Mexican dinner from the night before. It's part art, part science, but I do have it mastered, and it's one of those things I'll have to teach my own son, Zach someday.

Now, however, I have new things to teach. Don't tap your feet, have a wide bathroom stance or reach for anything on the floor or you may invite a visitor from a neighboring stall. And more than likely that person is an undercover cop.

How do you get that job? And how do you detail that on a resume?

The reality is that cops should have more important things to do. I'm surprised that this practice exists, but I do remember my friend Jeff Butler witnessed it in a stall next to him in Wescoe Hall at the University of Kansas back in the late '80's. To this day he still has issues with public bathrooms.

The cool thing was that their noises ran interference for his Taco Johns from the night before.

So, as Senator Craig flushed his career away, I'm left with a new stress in public bathrooms.

I've taken to walking into restrooms and announcing loudly - "I'm just here to poop, not interested in playing footsie with anyone" - I usually get a knowing chuckle or two as other guys acknowledge the change in the the public bathroom dynamic.

Guys can do what they want, I just don't happen to be into public, bathroom sex. I'm sure that if this were a heterosexual story, we'd all act differently about the story.

The hardest thing for me to deal with is that I've recently been Googling "Bathroom Signals", "Bathroom Protocols" etc. I'm sure the Homeland Security Office now has me followed at airports as I travel.

That's fine - it's a waste of money - all I ask is that you don't take the stall next to me.

That's all I have to say about that.

FLASH! - Worlds oldest Living Person Dies!

Really?

This story is amazing to me for the following reasons:

1 - It happens once a week, it's not news.
2 - Flash? It was kind of expected, right?
3 - The oldest living person only holds the title for a week at a time - big deal.

You know, the Media has really decided that we're stupid. A "News Alert" used to mean something, but today it's a graphic meant to pull us to the TV and a story that doesn't rise to the level of a "News Alert" from the 70's or 80's.

So here's the reality. The Worlds Oldest Living Person dies on average, once every week or so. It's not like the person held the crown for years, was a celebrity or someone that we knew. Sure it's interesting, especially if they took a shot of Tequila everyday or smoked like a chimney, but that only happens once or twice a year, and if that is the case, they are usually from West Virginia.

Generally, the person is a woman, lived in a remote village somewhere on the planet, and their husband died 40 years ago. You rarely see this person residing in Las Vegas. I'm sure there is a lesson here.

My issue is that as they recap the life story of these people that we don't hear that they were a test-pilot in the 60's, was a groupie for Lawrence Welk, toured with the Dead or started the first brothel in King County in the 40's.

Instead, we hear that they ate oatmeal every morning or treated themselves with a scoop of Rocky Road Ice Cream every night, before hitting the sack at sunset. Alone.

I value longevity. I have recently decided that I want to live to 100, and I appreciate hearing how these folks lived their lives, but let's dial down the hype a bit.

It's not a News Alert.

Unless they lived in Vegas, took a shot of Tequila everyday, was married 7 times, carried a gun, owned a bong and had never visited a Whole Foods Store in their life. That's a story.

That's all I have to say about that.

It Isn't Easy Making Green

I've recently asked a source to find a Croc-Like shoe manufacturer in China to customize some shoes for a client.

Without too much lead paint.

The pricing looks to be good, shockingly good, and it makes me wonder what other products might make some sense to import and to build a business on.

I looked at many different products but finally decided on the product I'd like to import.

And the Girl Scout of America had better look out - I'm taking them down. That's right - head to head competition with the Girls Scouts on cookies.

And it's about time. $4.00 for a box of cookies I can get for 37 cents from China - you gotta be kidding me. The GSA have been railroading the US Consumer for far too long. Sure, the veil of innocence projected by the GSA has been a great front to the actual charter of the organization - to corner the US cookie market - but capitalism has a way of kicking your ass if you get a little too arrogant in pricing and quality.

Ok, so here's the plan. I secured the website - www.thegreatgirlscoutscam.net (the .com was taken already by Michael Moore) and plan to launch a competing website that sells Girl Scout-Like Cookies for $2 a box. Delivered.

No bratty girls at your front door.
No table at the grocery store to play on your guilt as you exit.
No over reaching co-worker or Boss extorting you into purchases to keep the work environment healthy and your income intact.

As a matter of fact - feel free to start your own business. Set up a table at the Super Wal-Mart (they understand the market dynamic) and sell your Knock-offs for $3.00 - and feel free to work with the local Hooters to "spice up the sales process".

Hey GSA - business lesson #1 - SEX SELLS!

Sure, we don't have Thin Mints (we have Thin Chins) nor do we have have Tag-a-Longs (we have Tag-a-Wongs), but you're going to save $2 a box -and you know what that means - MORE COOKIES! As we all know, Americans need more cookies.

Another thing - we have decided to actually put more cookies than packaging in our boxes - something the GSA has yet to understand. Honestly - $4 for a box of Somosa's with only 12 cookies inside? Our Shanghai knock-offs have 22 cookies in every box.

The battle lines have been drawn - the Girls Scouts are going down. They've had a good run, but you can't stand in the way of capitalism.

Now, about that Labor Day Telethon scam........

That's all I have to say about that.

Simple Observation of the Day:

Nothing heady, just a simple observation:

Got up early this morning to catch a flight from Tulsa to Chicago. It was dark, dreary and raining pretty heavy as I lugged my luggage (is that redundant?) to the car. I drove just on the edge of hydroplaning for 45 miles to the airport.

Flight left on time, even though there were still gray skies around and above us.

It's easy to let our environment affect our moods - gray weather can allow for a melancholy, depressing mood, especially if we are willing to let it.

As the flight took off, the captain warned us that the ascent would be rough and that the flight attendants needed to stay seated. The lady next to me grimaced at the realization she'd miss her next fix of caffeine.

People already on edge when it comes to flying probably tensed up even more - flying is stressful enough for some people and the expected bumpiness of a storm serves to compound their fears.

The captain informed us that we'd have to re-direct our flight into Arkansas to avoid the worst of the storm, taking more time for our flight back to Chicago. For people with close connections, you could hear a groan of the anticipated frustration that lie ahead.

The interesting thing is that in every stormy, drab, environment you're only 10,000 feet or a few minutes from brilliant sunlight. As we climbed from 10,000 feet through 15,000 feet, the morning sunrise we missed on the ground appeared and the gray soupy skies disappeared beneath us. The hidden sun can create the opposite emotion of gray skies - yet the sun is always there, just a few minutes away from any gray situation.

The rough flight never materialized and the captain made up the time on the flight to Chicago. Everyone made their connections, and the flight attendants did provide us with our morning pretzel pak and Diet Coke fix.

Any pain, fear, frustration, depression caused by the environment was a wasted distraction - potentially a missed opportunity for clear thought and enjoyment of the people around you.

It's always reassuring to know that clear skies are always there, you just have to appreciate and understand the full perspective of a given situation. You can spend your time submitting to your environment, anticipating the potential difficulties and fearing things that may never materialize.

It's my belief the better thing to do is to appreciate the craziness, learn from the difficulties and remind yourself of the reality that we are in control - not our environment.

Unless we submit to it.

That's all I have to say about that.

First entry....

.....I've spent the past few months trying to decide if Starbucks is a decent stock to add to my portfolio. I'm sure it is, at the right entry point, but I think I have uncovered the Achilles heel to bringing down Starbucks.

Drug Testing.

Can you imagine how the employee base at Starbucks would be decimated by a drug testing program the likes of the NFL or MLB?

Just the mention of the program would cause a month of staff no-shows of at least 10%. Now if I really wanted to make money on Starbucks, I'd short the stock, then lobby like heck for mandatory drug testing at Starbucks and support my campaign with photos of random Starbucks employees that have that "420" look.

Shouldn't be hard to make that happen.

That's all I have to say about that.